When You’re Home

Every time I've left the hospital, I get a jolt of hope that lasts for a few days. It almost feels like what I imagine not having depression feels like. There's a peace that lives alongside excitement about little things as mundane as dinner, or going outside. In the hospital you can't go outside. I …

am I special? I’m not special

I have seen a billion memes about how everyone is awkward and anxious, and depressed. So why do I feel like an island? We're all in that spot, I think. We don't know how to talk about our Weird Year. Grateful that we're here, aware of friends' family members that didn't. And aware of that …

I Saw You

There are three kinds of people that you see when you're in a crisis. The Helpers These people arrived. They dropped everything and did anything. Answered my calls from the hospital. Drove me to ECT. Listened to me lament about forgetting restaurants, and forgave me when I couldn't remember pivotal events from our relationship. They …

Road Trip Thoughts.

Sure this year hasn't been great, but we're still fairly early in the Willenium so keep going, friends. Does anyone know what the Pelaton lady from last year did with her bike? Cuz I'd like to buy one but don't want to pay full price.When I or someone near me says "Question" I wait to …

Quick note to three years ago me

On September 25, 2017, I wrote this comment in response to a post on a ~lifestyle~ blog I follow: I’m way late to this, but this post has been rolling around in my head for the past few months and I just had to say something. Of course I don’t know specifically what you’re dealing …

Mental Illness is Gross Sometimes

With apologies for the timing of this, given the entire garbage fire that is the world. But hey, my blog, my blog. I'm giving myself a minute to be self involved. Hi, hello. Welcome. I've written- give or take- forty seven billion blog posts here. All about the bad days, the good days...unrelated anythings, all …

The In-Between Post

This is a hard one and while it's taking me awhile to articulate it correctly, I'm physically incapable of not at least trying to write it all out (see also: my entire online history). Like when Opus the penguin discovers he doesn't need to fly to be an important bird, I discovered that while I …

Depression in the time of Coronavirus

I'm writing from my bedroom, the only place in the house that doesn't give me anxiety. But it's a tradeoff, because this is absolutely an incubation space for depression. The same view, the same mess, the same routine. It is mind-numbingly boring. But that's not the main event. It's just opened up space in my …

And Now for Something Completely Different- Cats! The Movie.

I saw Cats! today. Aside from teaching myself the opening notes to Memories on my parents' grand piano (brag), I know nothing about Cats!. I almost typed that I knew nothing about Cats!, but having spent the past hour + watching the movie, I still know nothing about Cats!. I do know, however, that the …

I want to get off the ride, please. OCD and Why I’m Sleepy and Failing

For the last three months, I have been tired. I mean fall-asleep-at-any-moment, can't-think-straight tired. At first I chalked it up to a sudden uptick in the "doing things" category of my life: conference in Florida, visits from friends, two weekend writing classes at once, getting sick, more travel, more people in town (PLEASE note, I …