OCD, Explained from Inside my Brain

“One two three four five six seen eight one two three four five six seen eight ” every time I walk, I’m counting in eights. That’s the “right” number, and the one that I have to repeat over and over until I’m jolted out of my inner counter, usually because I’m finally sitting down. I’m …

Ups and Downs (I hate writing titles)

On Tuesday of this week, I was feeling WONDERFUL. I woke up a full half hour before my alarm, fully rested and read to get up. I showered ( a rarity for me these days), picked out a clean outfit, and did my makeup. That's what wonderful amounts to for me right now, and I …

Joining In, Jumping Out

When I first decided to quit drinking for a year, I started as any librarian would do: by doing research online. And by "research online" I mean Google. The overwhelming amount of hits came from Alcoholics Anonymous, and based on the search results, AA seemed to be the only solution to drinking, so I looked …

One Month In

As of today, I am 31 days without alcohol. I don't like using the word "sober" for reasons I can't put my finger on. It feels too clinical. But I guess it's accurate. At this point one month ago, I was in the Kaiser Chinatown hospital after trying to hurt myself (more stitches, more embarrassing …

Today I Got Stitches Removed and had a Peppermint Tea

Both of these were big moments in my day. The peppermint tea may have been the most important, and the most difficult. Backstory: In 2018, I promised myself I would cut back on drinking. I had let it become a routine, where I came home and had a glass of wine. Before 2018, I was …

Empathy

This week's Terrible Writing Prompt: Empathy. I struggle with the idea of empathy- what it means towards others and myself. I like to think I have it in spades, which instantly makes me feel like a holier-than-thou jerk. Which, I think, means I don't have a lot of empathy for myself. Which makes me feel …

Why is saying “no” so hard?

I have heard that "no" is a full sentence. I read this in magazines, on blogs, in self-help books. You can say no, and you don't owe anyone an explanation. I know this, but I've never really believed it. With a brain that tells me I need to apologize for even existing, just refusing something …

How are you, really?

I joined a writing club, where they text you prompts for journaling. And what better place to do that than here? This week's prompt: HOW ARE YOU, REALLY? I'm tired. I've always had a hard time getting out of bed, but even more so lately. I go to bed around 9pm and hit snooze at …

I Was on a Podcast

I was on a podcast this week called "Terrible, Thanks for Asking". It's here. I'd love it if you'd listen to it. In my episode, I talk about stuttering, and what it's meant to me over the years. I tried to be as honest as I could about how frustrating stuttering can be, while trying …

The sleepy side of anxiety

It's 11:18 and I have to be up at 7. Which is fine, except that I don't run very well on less than 8 hours of sleep. Such a delicate thing, I am. I got home from work and everything was fine. I even have some exciting things on the horizon- I'm starting a new …